Friday 6 June 2008

If you can’t beat them…

Consumer Watchdog is VERY proud to announce a brand new series of innovative training programs. Each of these has been inspired by the training we see organisations undertaking and in which they invest a staggering amount of money. Usually our money. Whether it’s the Public Service investing our taxes or private companies investing the money they’ve taken from us in return for mostly shoddy goods and services a lot of it seems to go on staff training so we thought we’d join in as well.

All of our courses will be held in hotels in Kasane where we believe the most effective learning environment can be achieved. Accommodation, full meals and game drives will be provided. Unfortunately liquor and adultery are not included in the costs but arrangements can be made. Our team will also drive you to the local pharmacy each morning for painkillers, bandages and soothing ointments if required. They will also be very happy to drive you the local Tebelopele testing centre if that proves necessary.

All attendees will be provided with expensively produced certificates of attendance as well as a free, extensive justification of the course that can be presented to your training department to show that your organisation’s money has been usefully spent.

Office productivity skills

Firstly we have a series of practical business skills development programs that address the productivity needs of all organisations.

“Stapling for beginners”. This 3 day course will concentrate on developing a range of stapler-related skills including stapling documents of small-to-medium size. It will include a day each specifically dealing with both vertical and horizontally-oriented document staple introduction methodologies. The third and final day will involve a detailed recapitulation of the previous days.

“Stapling for specialists”. This 2-day follow-up will introduce the now accomplished staple introduction operatives to the pinnacle of stapling expertise: diagonal stapling. Note that bookings for this course are only available to graduates of the earlier beginner’s course and once your cheque has cleared.

“Document binding master class”. Our internationally experienced document binding expert will explore the complications of using the binding machine we recently bought at Game. This 2 day, once-in-a-lifetime development experience is available to everyone so long as payment reaches us soon enough.

Customer service skills

We have, at almost no expense at all, engaged the services of an extremely accomplished and renowned customer service specialist who is famed the length and breadth of Mochudi. She will take your staff through an intense, performance-based, results-oriented, hands-on, practically-focussed, skills-based, repeatedly-hyphenated 3-week training program that will cover anything we can think of to fill the time.

After extensive research (using Google) we have summarised the wisdom of highly-paid customer service specialists from across the globe, most of which is in English. We have invested almost a whole day summarising this invaluable knowledge in over 200 Powerpoint slides, almost three of which contain diagrams. Don’t worry, our trainers will read every slide out loud so that all of the easy to remember, 200-point program can be memorised. The value of this is almost incalculable, after all every slide contains at least 150 words of wisdom, all presented in a simple black text on a white background style.

Included in this 3 week course, at no extra cost, will be our newest, locally developed elements that focus on some of the most often overlooked elements of excellent service.

Our patented (in Guatemala) Respiratory Oxygen Metabolism Management Skills Program will help develop that most important service skill: breathing. Sceptics will tell you that breathing comes naturally to customer-facing staff but what evidence do you have for that? Our patented reflexology-based approach will involve extensive foot massage by our experienced trainer, only recently released from maximum security incarceration. His conviction for molesting the feet of shoppers in his shoe store was a travesty of justice, honest.

Finally our Pedicular Retrograde Motion course will introduce your customer service specialists to that most important customer management technique: walking away. Not only will it cover leaving customers to fend for themselves but it will also develop that special look of utter disinterest, contempt and ridicule necessary for treating customers who have the nerve to complain.

Training Management

This course has been specially designed for training managers. It will cover high-level training planning, execution and, critically, excuse-making. In the past training managers have found it difficult to justify the outrageous amounts they spend on utterly pointless, unnecessary and wasteful training programs. This course will empower you to be more imaginative in your excuses. Those lucky enough to pay for this course will receive a set of excuses for wasting money on pointless training that is unrivalled in Botswana. We will cover excuses for dramatically extending the duration of a course, justifying it’s delivery in far-flung and exotic locations and, above all, for getting yourself to be there to check on the quality of every course you buy.

So, if you’ve got a lot of someone else’s money to waste, please get in touch, because we’d like you to share it with us.

This week’s stars!

  • Yolisa and her team at FNB Electronic Banking for “electrifying banking”.
  • Taelo at Game at Game City for actively offering a regular customer a special offer.

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